2018, and I’m back

I need to keep writing– this is truly cathartic.

The last time I wrote something on this blog, it was about my grandfather. He passed away last week, three days before Christmas. No, I’m not joking about that timing. It was brutal. Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year and it was destroyed by this situation, obviously to no one’s fault.

It just really tore at my heart— I couldn’t figure out whether I was mad, sad or confused. I didn’t really know him that well anymore, he wasn’t the grandfather I remembered. He was a shell of himself, a man who couldn’t hold a conversation of depth because his brain didn’t work the way it used to. He hardly knew who I was. It was heartbreaking.

Regardless, he passed away with all of us in the room on the 21st of December. I will have PTSD for the rest of my life because of it. I watched him take his last breath and saw my entire family respond to it. My anxiety shot through the roof and I was left paralyzed by his death. I watched my grandmother hold him while his heart stopped beating. I still can’t believe I saw it with my own eyes.

Here’s where my sadness ends and my hopefulness begins though— my attempt (and maybe success) in letting go of the negative, embracing the positive, and re-finding my foundation. This will take some time, I know. I want to feel better, look better, DO better. And I know I can. I hope I can.

Life is too short, I’ve learned. Not even that life ends too quickly, but one day, everyone will die. And that’s okay, because life continues and to the earth we go again. But I want to live a life I’m proud of. A life where I truly connect with myself and with the things and people in my life that bring me joy, happiness, and peace.

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